did you get engaged???
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
4 words: hood of his car
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
