So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
