is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
