All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
