Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
