i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
