the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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