i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
