This is not my ceiling
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
