did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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