I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
