ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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