She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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