So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
