mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
