She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
