Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My feet surprised me
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