3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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