i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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