She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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