Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
