you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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