i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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