I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
