So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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