when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
