why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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