I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
