I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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