my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
