if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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