you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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