: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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