he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
