Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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