it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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