i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
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