On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
