The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
