ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
