I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
