I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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