at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
