Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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