We're facebook friends in real life
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
