I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
