I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
