Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
