i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize