am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
