I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Come on in and take your pants off
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