How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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