My nipple is on Facebook.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
