My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
