I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
