WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize