oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
