There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sarcasm needs its own font
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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