Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
