It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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