I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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