last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
