Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
