Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
