It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
