What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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