In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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