Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ladies don't puke and tell
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
