the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The air taste purple.
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